and then there was October...

Family trip in June 2011

I have had a really hard time updating my blog...especially this post.  I have debated for weeks now on what I want to post and if I should post.  In the meantime I haven't wanted to post anything else because I don't want to overlook this and I want it to be apart of our memories but yet I really want.... I need it to be perfect.  A balance of what I feel & what my family feels. 
October was a hard month for our family and the Sleight family as a whole.  Todd's mom passed away Oct. 8. It is hard to even say it out loud. We are so sad. The kind where you think about it for a second and a big lump forms in your throat and you can't think or do anything else for a minute but just be still. A sadness that I haven't felt for a long time and to tell you the truth I didn't even know it existed anymore.  I thought I was desensitized and I wouldn't let myself feel that deep anymore.  It is funny how it bubbles up and hits you out of no where. I don't know what is harder knowing what it is like to lose a mom and watching Todd and his siblings go through it or being so sad for losing such a wonderful mother-in-law.
Todd was able to go home the beginning of October and spend some time with his mom saying goodbye. We flew our little family out for the Virginia funeral the next week- spent 3 days in Virginia and flew home to Utah for a funeral and burial. Throughout the entire trip it was amazing the tender mercies that happened.  The kids did great adjusting to the time, late flights in, early flights out, juggling here and there. I was completley amazed by the out pouring of love and service there was in Virginia.  Everywhere you turned there was somebody bringing dinner or providing something for all of our families. She was truly loved.

There are a couple of things that I particularly loved about Sharma:

1) She came to my house and did things I hated to do- I hate ironing- she would iron all the shirts in my ironing basket; I don't particularly love laundry (but you have to do it) Ironing you can hate because you can almost get away without doing it. She would wash & fold ALL my laundry when she would come to my house.
2) She would sit and read books with my kids for hours if they would do it.  She would bring them coloring pages or a puzzle and sit and do it with them - there was nothing else in the world she needing to be doing at that time then be a grandma.
3) Todd loved it when his mom would come because she would mend and fix all of his clothes.  And not once did she every make me feel bad that I couldn't/ wouldn't learn to do it for him. In fact one time we had so much for her to fix she teased us that we purposely had things for her to mend to keep in the room doing that and only that.(she's crazy if she was thinking I would give up my laundry time for todd's mending time:))  My kids bring me things with a hole or a rip and ask if Grandma Sleight can fix it when she comes.  
4) She always had compassion for my circumstance.  Whether it was a newborn baby and I wasn't getting much sleep, juggling 2,3,4 or 5 little kids, getting dinner on the table, trying to have family home evening etc. I knew the compassion was geniune because she had been there at one point in her life and she remembered what it was like. She was always trying to do what she could to make it easier for me. 

As I watched my little kids especially my girls try to come to grips and understand what this all means it brings my sadness to another level.  Sam & Syd didn't really get it until we were in Virginia. But once we were there it became real.  It became real for all of us.  And as hard as it was to watch them be so sad about Grandma- I was so glad to see them recognize the good she was in their life to be so sad to miss it. 

Some years ago after Todd's grandmother passed away (Sharma's mom) I was visiting with Sharma and she said  "Jill, I don't know how you did it after your mom died because I am a grown woman in her 50's and losing my mom has been hard.  Harder then I ever thought."
It doesn't matter how old you are. It is hard. Harder then you would have ever thought.
I have learned that my faith and trust in Heavenly Father is automatic.  I can't give you concrete answers as to why things happen.  And not just things but hard things.  But without even a question in my mind I know he knows we can do it. He is there for us and we are better because of these trials.  But it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking or any less painful.  And the pain is what is so hard.  I am sad for Todd, Todd' siblings and Todd's dad. 
We love you Grandma Sleight. Our lives have been blessed and influenced for the better.  We will see you again and until then....